I have made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life. Too many times I have ignored advice that was given to me. So, during my years of seminary, my ears would perk up to any warnings I would receive. I did not want to ruin a church or my ministry by making an immature decision.
There was a particular warning that I heard numerous times during my time in seminary: do not make close friends with your church members. This warning was always followed up with one of three arguments.
1). When you make deep friendships in a church, it becomes much harder for you and your family to leave when God calls you to your next church.
2). When you make deep friendships in a church, some members will perceive that as you playing favorites among them.
3). When you make deep friendships in a church, people may use your confessed sin struggles as a weapon against you.
Sadly, I know these warnings were given with many scars on the backs of the men who said them. A lot of "church hurt" has led to a hesitation from pastors to get close to their congregants. However, as I've worked in ministry, I've found this advice impossible to follow. That is, it is impossible to follow if I'm going to make disciples as Jesus did. He invested so much of His life and revealed the deepest parts of who He was to His followers. Deep friendship is a natural byproduct of long-lasting, personal discipleship.
I appreciate the wisdom of being careful with the deep friendships you make among your church members and I strongly agree that your best friendships will be among your wife and other pastors. However, keeping church members at arm's length can be as damaging to your ministry as getting too close to the wrong person (only the damage being made will not be on your life, but theirs). A shepherd who is not close to his sheep will struggle to truly care for them.
Pastor friends, if you're reading this, be friends with your church members. Make deep friendships where you can. Take the risk of being hurt. If a good shepherd would lay down his life for his sheep, is any other risk too big for us?
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